How My Relationship With Beauty Changed During A Move

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my relationship with beauty, confidence and femininity has changed over the last few years. Not in a dramatic way where I suddenly woke up transformed into a completely different person. It’s been alot slower and quieter than that. More like observing myself over time and realising the motivations behind certain habits have shifted.

And this isn’t some sudden revelation either. I think this reflection process honestly started about 2 years ago, but I just didn’t know how to properly articulate it yet. I still care deeply about beauty. I love clothes, makeup, perfume, jewellery, beautiful fabrics, dressing for dinner, doing my hair properly, putting together an outfit that suits a certain atmosphere or occasion. Clearly aesthetics matter to me. I started a women’s fashion brand in this transition – for a reason.

But I think the biggest thing that has changed is that beauty no longer feels like a performance I need to maintain everyday in order to feel acceptable. There was a period of my life (long…we’re talking over a decade) where I subconsciously viewed beauty almost like maintenance for social acceptance. Looking polished made me feel prepared for the world. And to a certain extent, I still think alot of women relate to that feeling? I mean, I 100% stand by the fact, and the many studies that back this – that looking good can genuinely affect your confidence, energy and mood.

I think over time, especially after bigger life experiences, I started separating beauty from self-worth a tad bit more. The revelation: I no longer wear makeup because I feel uncomfortable with my own face without it. Instead, I wear it when I genuinely feel like wearing it. And weirdly, I think this entire shift really intensified during our move from Kuala Lumpur to Brunei, also a reason why I haven’t been on here in about a year. That and the second move just recently + starting a whole business from scratch + all the little things in between. Yes, my mental health is fried at this point and I’m running entirely on autopilot mode, but I feel it in my gut that we’re hopefully at the tail-end of it all.

1. The season that changed my relationship with appearance

It was sometime in September last year. My husband had just started his new role and was travelling constantly between different cities while I stayed with my parents for about 3 weeks because our shipping container hadn’t arrived yet. At the same time, I was building the business which has now launched (Surprise! It’s called Silk & Plum) , coordinating production, handling operational issues and mentally preparing for our destination shoot which was less than 2 months away at this point.

Then suddenly, I got really sick. Not just mildly unwell, but genuinely sick for almost 2 months on and off. We’re talking horrible chesty coughs, fevers, drowsiness, stomach infections one after another. I had CT scans, X-rays, clinic visits, hospital visits, and multiple drips into my system. I remember feeling physically exhausted while simultaneously trying to hold together a business launch, a country move and my usual life admin/ responsibilities.

More than half of my makeup was literally inside a 40 foot shipping container somewhere across the ocean and honestly, I didn’t even care. And suddenly Green Day’s ‘Wake me up when September ends’ felt like a narration of my real life. I was around family constantly during that period – shoutout to my parents who took the utmost care for me <3, and I was horrifyingly coughing you’d think I was a chain smoker , looking like an utter mess half the time, hair up in a bun, exhausted and just trying to physically recover while mentally functioning at the same time.

And I think when you live out of a suitcase for almost 2 months while being sick and emotionally overstimulated, feeling extremely disoriented after just having your entire home, furniture and favourite belongings packed up and floating somewhere on the sea, something psychologically shifts. Especially when you’re someone who loves her ‘things’. Being around my physical items creates such a sense of belonging and identity and being without them for an extended period of time can feel…disorienting?

Your brain naturally starts filtering out what actually matters and what doesn’t. You stop performing beauty because you simply don’t have the physical energy anymore. I remember that after things had settled down and my husband returned, we stayed at a hotel attached to a mall that I frequented. We still hadn’t moved into our house yet, and it was towards the end of that period of being without a home. I was still recovering and coughing occasionally, but I finally felt somewhat human again.

I remember going downstairs to the mall in blue jeans and either a t-shirt (I always alternated between a grey one and a solid pink-and-white striped one) or my favourite black tweed top, completely bare-faced except for lip oil and lipstick. I still had my earrings on though. And my watch and bracelet stack. Those somehow remain non-negotiable for me, regardless of what phase of life I’m in. In fact, I wear them even at home.

And yet, I remember feeling strangely confident during those moments.

Not because I thought I looked incredible. I was still heavier than I wanted to be and still recovering physically. But I think for the first time in a very long time, I wasn’t thinking about myself from the outside while moving through the world. I was just existing in it. And I think that period quietly changed my relationship with beauty afterwards.

2. The difference between feeling maintained vs feeling ‘decorated’

One thing I’ve noticed recently is that I’ve become much more drawn toward beauty habits that make me feel maintained rather than overly decorated. I genuinely love the feeling of clean skin drenched in serums and moisturiser. I love freshly threaded or plucked eyebrows. I love when my hair is freshly washed and blown out properly. I love feeling squeaky clean after shaving, exfoliating and doing proper body care.

I hate to admit it because the internet has overused the phrase to death, but there really is something psychologically calming about the “clean girl” feeling. Not necessarily aesthetically. More physically and mentally. There’s a difference between looking decorated and feeling properly maintained. And I think alot of women eventually reach a point where they start prioritising the second one more.

Even certain beauty habits I slowly stopped doing say alot about this shift. About 2 years ago, I stopped getting long gel nails regularly. Which is funny because aesthetically, I still think they look beautiful. But I realised I hated living in them. In true asian fashion, I eat with my hands at home and I hated turmeric staining the nails. I hated struggling to squeeze into jeans because the pressure on my fingertips hurt. Sometimes the nails would literally snap while I was doing completely normal things. And let’s not get started on how getting your nails done at a parlour is literally the most exhausting, non relaxing beauty ritual ever – because I always end up leaving with the worst back-ache, and I know it’s a feeling many other women relate with.

And I slowly realised I liked the fantasy of certain beauty rituals more than the actual experience of carrying them through daily life. So now I just keep my nails clean, buffed and maintained. And honestly, that feels more like me than it ever has.

3. Dressing for real life instead of constant performance

This shift also changed the way I dress.

I genuinely dress according to occasion, comfort, weather, mood and practicality now. And interestingly, I think I’ve become more stylish because of it, not less. I’m very comfortable in heels, makeup and beautiful clothes when the event calls for it. I enjoy glamour. I enjoy dressing femininely. I enjoy making an effort for dinners, events or even certain daytime situations where it feels appropriate.

But I also feel completely comfortable heading out in a pair of chinos and a t-shirt depending on where I’m going or how I’m feeling that day. And I think when I was younger, there was more pressure to maintain one fixed version of femininity all the time. To always look polished in the exact same way regardless of what was actually happening in your life. But real life simply doesn’t function that way.

As you grow older, your life becomes fuller and more layered. You’re balancing work, marriage, stress, exhaustion, responsibilities, travel, health, emotional not to mention hormonal changes and your own personal evolution all at once. Naturally, practicality enters the conversation at some point.

That doesn’t make somebody less feminine. If anything, I think alot of women become more secure in their femininity once they stop treating it like a costume that needs to be worn the exact same way everyday.

4. Quality over constant consumption

My relationship with shopping changed a lot too – and it’s one of the best things to happen to me.

About four years ago, I shopped from Shein like many girls my age did. I’m not going to sit here and pretend otherwise because my work wardrobe was a good mix of the usual high street brands like Mango, Massimo Dutti, Zara and some incredible Shein pieces. But over time, I became more conscious about what I was buying, why I was buying it, how it felt on my body and whether it actually reflected my lifestyle. Basically going full on ‘slow fashion’.

Starting a fashion brand accelerated this shift massively because I became hyper aware of fabrics, construction, finishing, longevity and overall quality. My wardrobe now is mostly a mix of quality basics, high street brands and more unique pieces I genuinely love and rewear. I buy less now, but I buy much more intentionally.

And psychologically, I think confidence plays a huge role in this. Because when you’re deeply insecure, you constantly feel the need to reinvent yourself externally. You buy aspirational versions of yourself. You chase trends more aggressively. You consume excessively because you’re emotionally searching for identity through aesthetics. But when you become more comfortable with yourself, your shopping habits become calmer. Not boring. Just way more grounded in reality that you naturally stop buying clothes for a fantasy life and start buying for your actual one.

5. The current relationship I have with my body

I also don’t want to sit here and pretend I’ve magically become perfectly confident about my body either because that wouldn’t be honest. The last few years, my weight has fluctuated quite alot. I’m heavier now than I used to be. I’m top heavy, my arms are bigger, my posture changes when I gain weight and there’s obviously a stomach pouch I’m aware of.

And no, I don’t feel completely secure about all of it all the time.

I still want to become healthier. I still want to exercise more consistently. I still have goals for myself physically and I genuinely do want to lose weight – point blank. But I think the biggest difference now is that I no longer want to hate my body while trying to improve it. That mindset exhausted me for years.

I think alot of women are subconsciously taught that self-criticism is the thing that drives transformation. That you need to constantly punish yourself emotionally in order to improve physically. But I don’t think that’s sustainable long-term. There’s a healthier middle ground where you can acknowledge your insecurities honestly, actively work on yourself and still not emotionally abandon yourself in the process.

Bigger life experiences naturally soften you into this perspective over time. You stop obsessing over yourself every second because life itself becomes bigger than your reflection in the mirror. Another positive thing to come out of this transitional season – I don’t look at my reflection in the mirror as often as I used to, and when I do, I don’t take myself too seriously and go about my day, and there is some kind of a happiness with letting go of that pressure.

6. Why I’m actually excited to AGE

One thing that surprises people sometimes is that I genuinely look forward to aging. I actually always have and I’ve never really been afraid of it. In fact, I’m so excited to age. I’ve always been the youngest in my family and I think most (if not all) youngest children will understand this feeling of constantly being perceived as “little” even when internally you don’t feel little at all.

I’ve always considered myself wise beyond my years. I know that may sound pompous to those who are probably reading this through a different lens, but it’s genuinely how I felt growing up. I remember becoming obsessed with Michael Jackson at 14 years old and reading this quote of his in one of the books my dad bought me just before I presented about him at school, and it read something like “Because I think every child star suffers through this period because you’re not the cute and charming child that you were. You start to grow, and they want to keep you little forever.” That stayed with me for years, child star or not.

I think subconsciously, I’ve always wanted to age because I wanted the outside of me to eventually align with how I felt internally. My husband is also significantly older than me and naturally, the way I speak to him and navigate life became older too. So age itself has never really intimidated me. In fact, on the morning of my 31st birthday this year (She’s a Taurus babe true and true), I woke up and noticed 4 strands of white hairs growing out at once.

And my genuine reaction was just, “Oh wow. It’s happening.” That was honestly it. No emotional spiral. No panic. Not that it ever should, I do feel like most women would also just go about their day and not spiral over a few white hairs – but doesn’t it make you question about why this moment was always misrepresented in movies? Like it would always turn into an existential crisis when in reality, you just say ‘cool’ and go about your day.

I’ll still dye my hair (in fact I just did two days ago), but not because I’m desperately trying to hide white hair. I’ve dyed my hair either a dark walnut or ashy brown every few months for years simply because I like dark brown hair on myself and it brings attention to my features and warms my overall look. I find that my natural black hair sometimes takes away from that warmth which is a core part of my personality. It’s part of my routine, and one that I very much plan on continuing. Another non-negotiable. What are some of your beauty non-negotiable?

But if anything, I feel more excited about the woman I’ll become over the next 10 years than trying to desperately hold onto who I was at 21. I’ve evolved tremendously over the last decade, especially the last 3 to 4 years. My perspective on confidence, beauty, womanhood, marriage, comfort, identity and ambition has changed so much already. And I genuinely cannot wait to see who I become next. Though I do know this won’t be an easy decade if there’s anything I’ve learned from my twenties. A LOT can happen in one decade.

7. How this connects back to Silk & Plum

I’d like to think this entire mindset naturally found its way into Silk & Plum too, especially since I was building the brand as I was navigating this amongst other personal challenges like any other woman or person.

When I watched women try on our clothes during the pop-up last month, I noticed something interesting. The women who gravitate toward the brand are rarely trying to become somebody completely different. Most already know themselves quite well, even if they’re still evolving.

Some talked about wearing our silk sets with heels and jewellery for dinners, others talked about how they could pair the silk trousers with a tank top and an oversized shirt to tone it down. Some are entering motherhood. Some are rebuilding themselves after difficult years. Some are travelling constantly. Some are rediscovering themselves after years of dressing for everyone except themselves. And I think that’s why the philosophy ‘for the woman who already knows’ stayed with me from the very beginning.

Not because they have life perfectly figured out, because if anything I still haven’t figured life out AT ALL, but because they trust themselves enough to evolve honestly instead of being forced into one rigid version of femininity forever.

At least for me, confidence now feels much less connected to maintaining one fixed image of myself all the time. It feels more connected to honesty in the sense of being honest about what phase of life I’m currently in, when I want glamour and when I want practicality and simplicity, and wanting improvement without constantly punishing myself emotionally in the process.

I have a strong feeling that maybe in another 5 years or even 2 years, my perspective on all of this will evolve again too and I might even do a one-eighty and retract some of the things I’ve said here. Because who knows? I certainly didn’t see the last year coming. But for now, this is genuinely the phase of womanhood and beauty I’m currently in.

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I’m curious. Are there any beauty rituals you’ve decided just aren’t for you anymore? Or has a recent season of life changed you in a way you never saw coming? I’d love to hear your story. Drop a comment below.

Until next time,

Alyia